Is your child suddenly a hurricane of emotions? Does it seem that his or her mood
shifts with the wind? Are you afraid that he or she is showing more anger or frustration
than you deem appropriate or normal for minor incidents?
Rest assured, anger is a normal emotion for all young children to experience. While
anger can cause a great deal of stress for those who become targets, such as parents
and siblings, it actually plays a positive role in human development, according
to Dr. Virginia Shiller, PhD, licensed clinical psychologist and author of the book
Rewards for Kids! Ready-to-Use Charts & Activities for Positive Parenting.
"Anger motivates people to assert themselves and get their needs met. And over time,
anger can be channeled into fighting for causes important to family, friends, and
community. In the long run, if you don't have a little fight in you, you may be
less likely to rise to positions of responsibility and influence," says Dr. Shiller.
However, for anger to become a positive force, children must learn to express it
in socially appropriate ways. Parents play a critical role in this socialization
process. "They can both model healthy and appropriate ways of expressing anger and
can intervene in constructive ways when children show hurtful anger," Dr. Shiller
explains.
Teachable Moments
Parents often have an opportunity to intervene when their children express anger,
says Dr. Shiller. If children fight with siblings or friends over toys and push
or hit to get their way, parents can turn this negative situation into a positive
learning experience. By teaching children better ways of getting their needs met—such
as taking turns and learning to share—parents guide children towards more constructive
anger management. Parents can even role-play as a playmate and have children practice
requesting to share toys.
If there is a situation developing between young kids, parents can step in and redirect
the interaction before a struggle ensues. "Explain to the child why he can't poke
the baby in her eye, while calmly and gently pulling the baby away. Try not to be
angry with the child's feelings so that you both can separate emotions from behavior.
Suggest other ways to deal with the situation that angered the child," says Debra
Gilbert Rosenberg, licensed clinical social worker, psychotherapist, and author
of The New Mom's Companion: Care for Yourself While You Care for Your Newborn.
While the goal is to curb the unacceptable behavior, such as violence and tantrums,
parents should keep in mind that they don't want to prevent the child from feeling
anger at all. It further helps for parents to recognize their child's negative emotion
and verbalize what they think their young child is feeling—especially if he can't.
For example, a parent could say, "You are very angry that Joey took that toy away
from you." Then follow up with a suggestion of what the child can do now, such as,
"Let's go find another toy for you to play with."
"Most parents of toddlers already know that saying 'use your words' to an angry
child will encourage him to express his feelings rather than resort to physical
means, and that's a great approach," Gilbert Rosenberg says.
Parents might also set up an incentive plan that provides modest rewards for children
who ask to take turns or share instead of punching or grabbing, Dr. Shiller adds.
This in the long run can help motivate children to work harder at turn-taking.
If parents really feel that their child's angry outbursts are out of control, constant,
violent and/or potentially dangerous, seeking outside help can be wonderful, says
Gilbert Rosenberg. "Parents may be reassured to find out that their child is perfectly
normal, but they may also discover that added support and guidance are essential
to the family."
Finding Solutions
Christine D'Amico, personal coach and author of The Pregnant Woman's Companion,
notes that parents can constructively help kids deal with anger by not shaming them
or telling them that their anger is wrong. Children need to learn how to recognize
what makes them angry and then respond constructively.
D'Amico notes that it's futile to try to reason with your child when he or she is
in the heat of anger. "Let them blow off some steam first. You can let them do that
wherever they happen to be when they get mad. You can send them to their room to
blow off steam. Or you can sit with them while they express their anger," she explains.
Once the child has calmed down, D'Amico suggests you talk with him about what made
him mad. Help him see all sides of the situation. Try to come up with a new option
together—one that meets the needs of everyone in the situation. She says parents
can also discuss how the child expressed his or her anger. Tell him that what he
did was not good behavior and he did not treat himself or others with respect.
Reading books about characters dealing with anger can also help children understand
that they are not alone in their feelings. When I Wished I Was Alone, written and
illustrated by Dave Cutler, is a good example. The book is about a boy who is very
angry, and the story discusses what anger feels like and how to deal with it. Parents
can use the book as a starting point to talk about anger with their own children.
Parental Control
Although many parents don't realize it, they provide role models for how their children
deal with anger. "If parents scream at each other, call people cruel names, yell
at the kids, and throw tantrums or furniture, their children will learn that flying
off the handle is an acceptable way to manage anger," Gilbert Rosenberg says.
She suggests that parents learn to manage their own anger and, on occasion, allow
their children to see how anger is expressed appropriately (however, it should be
pointed out that children should not witness fights between spouses often). If children
see their parents express anger without name-calling or physical violence, then
they will learn to do the same.
"Parents play a huge role," says D'Amico. "They teach their children what is OK
or not OK in expressing anger or frustration. Parents do this by what they say,
as well as by what they do themselves when they are angry," she continues. "We model
both how to be angry and how to respond to anger. Our children often copy us in
their own angry behaviors."
"It's rare to see children whose anger is uncontrollable in families where anger
is shared in constructive, non-hurtful ways," Gilbert Rosenberg concludes. "Parents
can show children that they love someone and still disagree with them or get angry
with them in a loving way. This is an invaluable lesson."
Lisa B. Samalonis writes from Gloucester Township, NJ, where she lives with her
husband and two sons. She frequently writes on health and parenting topics. Lisa
also writes family-oriented essays for regional and national magazines. This article
is kindly proved by:
